I feel I'm in a very bad situation right now and at the same time, I'm grateful for what I have. I feel I wasted a ton of my time doing shitty things at the same time when I look back in time I find myself on top of a small cliff(in my world).

I think Beyond a certain skill cap success is purely about decision-making. I'm in a period where my every decision is going to change my future, maybe we can say conscious decision-making. I know I had a great upbringing and a nice environment around me, how lucky I was. Now, I think I'm in a bad place - there is no one around me, and I'm in complete isolation, I'm not able to showcase myself often nowadays, I feel trapped inside my head. Well, this is all because of my previous actions + conscious decision. Obviously, I know for a fact that I need to face the consequences of action and overcome them. While writing this the only thing that came to my mind "maybe you are afraid of responsibilities". I guess that's true. I mean I didn't had any responsibilities before, excluding exams. FUCK THISSSS. I'm not getting any answers or solutions, and maybe the only way to overcome this is by experiencing and learning from those experiences.

Anyways, the only ideology I believe in is - 背中の傷は剣士の恥

Only the future self could understand this.